pondering

privileges, awww

i look at older folks who can still run and be active at their age and they inspire me

but the majority of them are white and i only see this in certain neighborhoods

so i started wondering why the older mexican ppl i know don’t remain active or ever are and it hit that we come from completely different backgrounds. these white folks probably had an office job and although they were tired it wasn’t a physically demanding position. so now that they are older they still have energy remaining in them to be active, they have money saved up to go on all those adventures they haven’t marked off their bucket list. meanwhile most of our family members have blue- collar jobs, doing heavy loads that no one else wanted to do, out in the open exposed to all the seasons. all that wear and tear with very little money to show for it. no wonder the last thing they wanna do is “go for a stroll”. they finally get a chance to chill and not be made to feel guilty for it.

i used to be confused when my dad said all he wanted to do once he retired was to lounge in his future home’s front yard in Mexico and take in the view. maybe even have a drink every once in a while. i thought that was soooo boring. that if i was his age and retired i would travel the world and do old white ppl shit… now i see how stupid and condescending i sound. my dad has worked his ass off his entire life. he’s the youngest but somehow had to provide for all his older siblings. he just wants to rest and sleep and relax and not do anything for anyone for once and i get it. he deserves it.

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muchas preguntas

:):

couldn’t sleep so I was listening to Alan Watts and he said what appears to be conflict from one POV can be seen as harmony from another (ex: white blood cells keeping your body safe from illness- they’re fighting but it’s necessary to make sure you stay healthy and alive)

i thought that was cute so i agreed until he said that war, pain, and poverty were all necessary and may appear as forms of conflict but are the reason harmony exists in other places. and then i got sad because 1, that’s a pretty privileged thing to say since he isn’t part of the percentage who experiences those things on a day to day basis. there are no bombs killing his family members or cartels ruining his neighborhood. he’s faaar removed from it, he’s the one living in harmony. and 2, i hope that’s not true cus i really wanted to believe everyone will get to experience peace, wealth, safety, health, love in this lifetime- i think we all deserve it. i really thought all the good things would eventually occur amongst all of us.. but now i just dont know. while we enjoy our nice little things on this side, the people who paved the way for us to enjoy them continue to live in shitty conditions and in turn suffer.

do you think he is right? will equity ever really exist?

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not feeling too lit

t-pain but the t is nonexistent

we all wanna be in love, right? i would like that too. but sometimes i get scared cus i can get really sad out of nowhere. & i wonder if that would magically disappear if i finally got what i wanted or if it would follow me everywhere- even to areas of life that make me really happy

i don’t think it’s fair for someone to have to deal with that. with me. but i’m also not happy_smiley_funny_or in a good mood all the time. i can be a lot of other not so positive things. the twitter gurus say that’s not normal: that having varying emotions isn’t healthy. you should only live life in one mental state. and maybe if you woulda told me this at 16 when i was obsessed with buddhism and wanted to reach enlightenment like him- i would agree. but i don’t think like that anymore and the idea of only being and feeling one way sounds kinda whack to me. why can’t i feel everything? (but in a healthy way or use it to my advantage, yk)

i notice i write the coolest things and have my most creative ideas when i’m not doing too good

but then i start to feel better and learn to appreciate everything

i know that all phases are necessary

maybe someone will understand that one day and won’t try to change it, take it away, or only want me to be happy so they can feel the same- pls don’t depend on me :/ 

that’s 1 of the many reasons why i’m scared. that’s 1 of the many reasons i push ppl away. i don’t think anyone can handle it, not that they need to, it’s ok

no one is ready like they say they are

and honestly, neither am i

:^) feel free to take my meme

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rhymes with no reason

zzzoned out in class exhibit B

dear moon,

i heard they tried to colonize you but it didn’t (and i hope it never does) work. so now we just admire from afar and i think it’s better like that. parables say that if you really love something you should let it be. don’t gotta take ownership of it or hold it hostage. and although you and the Sun do just that, even you can’t stay away sometimes. cus at least twice a year you come so close to each other that the whole world pauses to take a peek

a love like that sounds very nice. so i guess i can wait. i won’t push or enforce or wonder why, when, how, where. i’ll just do my thing and they can do their thing. and maybe one day in some point in time we’ll collide (metaphorically or literally, if you want ha ha ayo). everyone will say we remind them of the Moon and Sun that met in the sky. and although everything turned dark it was still a sight to see. and we could say you’re welcome, it was our pleasure :^) we learned it from the celestial bodies that govern the world we live in from alllll the way up there

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take your own advice

babyyyyy <3

preface: TIL people write letters to their unborn children and i think that is the cutest thing ever. imma save all of mine and share it with them once they are old enough to understand. now i kinda wish my parents wrote me love letters as a kid : (

i wonder if my parents are proud of me or would ever be… have i grown up to be the one you envisioned so far? more? less? i think when people decide on starting a family, they only think of the first five years. that’s the problem with 5 year life plans— they don’t leave room for more or the unthinkable. most idealize what it would be like to make a baby but not how to love them correctly. very few consider what kind of parent they will like to embody. how they will raise a 13 year old. how they will hold them when someone breaks their heart for the first time (a heart that took a few months of hard work and 2 DNA’s to create). how to build their confidence back up when they experience an episode of depression (that’s been carried throughout the strands of your memory. remember when you got depressed at 15 too?) or how to ensure you don’t mess them up like your parents did you… but is it really a mess up if you learned what you would or would not do to your own if you ever had any?

if i’m ever given the chance to, i hope i’m a good mom. i’m scared of hurting someone i willingly brought here. (and it sucks because this mindset affects them too- they can feeeeel you)

i hope the invisible strings that connect us don’t offset a wire that’ll make you crash and burn. i hope the memories i’ve subconsciously suppressed don’t double up and haunt you. i hope the environment i bring you into is right and tailored— just for you. i just really really don’t wanna hurt you. but i also know i can’t protect you from everything you are meant to find & experience. and that makes it all the more scarier. i would know, i could tell you of a few stories myself. but maybe you’ll teach me something i wouldn’t have learned from any one else that already walked this Earth. a tiny body made up of mostly cartilage will teach me how to be strong – unlearn all i thought i knew – surrender. the true meaning of love? whatever it is, i can’t wait to meet you one day 🥺

[hey universe, pls help me work on myself so i can be the wholesomest, most sweetest, stable, loving, understanding mommy when the time comes. not rn tho!!]

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rhymes with no reason

who said fleets were gone? cus i still feel them.

thank you for shipping my order early, i wasn’t expecting it

but the excitement was very short lived

he’s still right about me never being genuienly happy

what’s complacency?

still think there should be more, life can’t just be this

please no dreams tonight, i need rest- like deeply

don’t even wanna have thoughts, it’s one too many

just tryna be a blank, empty, pure canvas of nothingness

but also

blowing in the wind is no better

feeling too free can be scary

i should rest and root properly

like the trees and mushrooms and mountains i admire so much

commit to something, create stability somewhere

that would be better than being so fleeting

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rhymes with no reason

she’s salty

Chino Hills is too far from the beach at times… in a sense that, by the time I get there, my tears have dried up and I forget why they were there in the first place. Don’t tell anyone I said this but I love going to the beach alone. All the times I’ve gone, I always end up wishing it was just me and Her.

Not me and him or me and them. Cus there’s always this need to do certain things when others are there. Meanwhile I just wanna sit and let Her take me. Not him taking me in, not them taking me away. Just me and Her… Just me and Her.

I wanna be like Her. I wanna be with Her. Will you let me go, please? I gotta go. Not with you, not with them

Just me and Her, alone. 

[this is an old i’m-in-my-feelings poem, i would still like to go to the beach with y’all sometime- pls send an invite 🥺 👉 👈]

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pondering

don’t want a postcard anymore :(

Today I learned that sometime back in the 1930s they used to HYPER-edit pictures taken from The Grand Canyon to get loads of people to visit and continue driving the market for the manufacturing companies (my professor wrote a whole article about it- they called it “color embellishment- and it may sound innocent… but you’ll see why it isn’t). All those postcards being sold on racks were manipulated to show one specific angle, playing with contrast to make Nature fit an unrealistic mold, and appearing pristine and untouched. Basically using their made-up idea of what beauty meant as a guide (Even though the reality might’ve not always been the case. I heard the crowds there are crazy which makes the pictures people share seem even more unrealistic.)

But why edit something that is beautiful enough as it is? It’s THE (mf) Grand Canyon! You know how many of us would love to see it in person (me me me). What about it isn’t perfect? I guess it’s no surprise that we do the same with our pictures nowadays (especially of ourselves). We’re only doing what’s been done for centuries. I wonder why it’s so difficult to just accept things as they are. Why we feel the need to tweak the tiniest detail. Why fixate on what appears wrong when there’s so many other rights?

Why isn’t that 7pm sunset good enough for you as it occurs? … why aren’t you?

What I’m trying to say is next time you take a picture of Nature, don’t edit it. Just accept it. A camera could never capture the reality anyways. Or even the feeling you experienced. Have you ever tried taking a picture of the full moon with an iphone? -_- iykyk.

Slowly, I hope we can begin extending this accepting mindset back to ourselves and all the earthly beings and places that surround us. bring back #nofilter!!!

’14 Colima summer *cough cough* #nofilter
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shorties

i transformed ur fav tongue twister

into a mind bender 🙂

Shelly picks seashells by the seashore

and becomes what she sought out to be

a seashell by the seashore named Shelly

Shelly picks seashells by the seashore. It’s her hobby but also the only thing to do around here. Born and raised in Venice, it was her destiny to be named after one thing. Her parents decided on “Shelly”. It was eh but at least she’s not named after the seagulls who steal nibbles off her sandwhiches when she looks away. Her mom makes a ¿living? by selling jewelry. DIY of course! Everything in the house is handmade. Once upon a time, her parents took one too many shrooms and since then believe in “far out maaaan” things. Her dad paints. He has a pop up on the boardwalk, I’m sure you’ve seen it. The psychedelic splash art is hung all over the 8 walls of their home. It’s shaped like an octagon, but there is no STOP sign. No such thing as stop, cus life is always rolling loud. Like the crashing waves (and her neighbors). She knows things that kids her age shouldn’t or maybe just aren’t aware of yet. Can you blame her? You’re a direct product of your environment.

Shelly doesn’t have many friends. But there has always been one constant in her life- the beach. A treasure hunt can be found waiting. It’s kinda been a second home to her. No offense to her first; her parents are nice and cool and all, but it never feels like they’re really there, you know? As she walks the shore she finds seaweed, cigarette butts, the occasional trash (is it really that hard to pick up after yourself?), cool rocks and seashells. Her mom once told her she was named after them cus they are iridescent and pretty. (Her mom also mentioned that she heard the word during one of her trips and took it as a sign).

Even though her name was one of her least favorite things, she loved seashells. Sometimes even wished she could trade places with them. They lived in the sea, underneath piles of sand, in a necklace being worn by a surfer dude with wavy hair, or dangling off the right ear of a pretty girl. All encompassing. Everyone wanted her, they showed her off. She was treasured in that state. No one payed attention to her as she was. She imagined being a seashell. Life would be so much better, unlike her current existence. It’s always bluer on the other side. It’s better down where it’s wetter – she had learned that from Sebastian.

One day in mid-May she wakes up earlier than usual and runs towards the sea. It’s about 5am. (hold up, why do people glorify 5am? i can assure you that waking up at 5 will not magically make you a billionaire like the manifesting gurus on YouTube parade. i’m living proof. i have no money. just seashells to my name.) Anyways, the Moon is on her way down while the Sun rises. It’s like being in an elevator. But she’s the machine and Nature presses the buttons. May means a lot of things. Like another name she could’ve had but I guess she should just accept the fact that some things never change. At least for now. With May comes the bioluminescent waves full of phytoplankton. All in very vivid blue light. If you thought the ocean was beautiful just wait till you see it as it comes to life. She didn’t learn this in school by the way. A woman who teaches “Environment and Society” at CSUSB, who also happens to be a hydrologist, gave her a quick 101 as she collected water samples for an upcoming research project. Shelly was nowhere near attending a college soon but kept the conversation in her minds folder for future reference. Her ninth house stellium liked collecting random facts to spew at people for fun. A true student of life.

But it would still be dope if she could be a student as she embodied many lives at once. She was open to the idea of rebirth. Not just cause the Drum Circle people said so but because it meant that life wasn’t always going to be so carnal.

As she walked into the sea, her body began to illuminate. Microscopic lives began to surround her human one. It was like hitting the pause button while being in the same room with all your evolutionary ancestors. The professor had told her humans, like all beings, originated from the sea. If only she could return to that time in space and be One with them all. There was no one around to see her glowing, to see her walk arm to arm carrying past- present- and- future life. But for once she understood that the best things happen when no one is looking and perhaps it’s better that way. While she soaks into this mystifying moment, she makes a wish. A wish to be what she’s always dreamed of being.

If she hadn’t watched Alice in Wonderland one too many times she probably wouldn’t have understood what was happening. Shelly began to shrink down from 4′ 3 ft to 0.5 inches. She held her breath, assuming she was still human, until she couldn’t any longer. Taking note of her new found hard shelled exterior she began to go with the flow (she kinda had no choice). Feeling formless but free she became aware that the many life forms living in the sea gave her a confuzzled look. They finally noticed her and it felt oddly comforting.

The day was beginning to break and the currents toned down enough to send her adrift. No longer having limbs, all she could do was stare at what had become her world. A powerful wave finally came around and pushed Shelly out unto the sand she used to explore with 2 feet and arms and very long, salty, sun kissed ponytails. Except this time, the roles had switched. Her wish had become a reality. But now she couldn’t tell if she had just made the best decision or worst mistake of her life. She hadn’t even been human long enough to judge it. How could she have known it wasn’t that bad? Shelly knew she had difficulty with satisfaction. It was always so fleeting. “I dont know” was her famous response to everything since she couldn’t ever make up her mind. She never really wanted to be a seashell by the seashore named Shelly. For once, all she wanted was to be sure.

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